-annoying:

someone mail me mozzarella sticks 

jesuschristvevo:

*shows a picture of an anime character to the plastic surgeon*

understandablydumb:

the guy on the radio just said “gas prices aren’t so bad if you consider you’re really buying liquid explosive dinosaurs” and my perspective on life is forever changed

rneerkat:

watching fish movies makes me cry i get so nemotional

damonwells:

the xbox one looks like they had a really bad divide at board meetings deciding what it should look like, and couldn’t come to an agreement

 (I’m running errands for my pregnant wife. While walking to a nearby store, I see two teenagers harassing a child that is only four or five years old. I shoo them away from the boy, and he introduces himself.)
Me:  “So, where’s your mom at?”
Boy:  “She’s in the store. Do you have kids?”
Me:  “Not yet. We’re expecting a baby girl soon, though.”
Boy:  “Well, she’s going to turn out nice, like you! So, I’m going to marry her someday!”  (I laugh, and play along while I bring him to the service desk, and wait until his mom picks him up. Six years later, my daughter comes home from school and introduces us to a friend that defended her against a bully on the playground. I didn’t recognize him, but he certainly knew who I was!)